Value

I've been thinking about where I place my value or better yet where I find my self-worth.  I think as a pre-medical student most of us find it in the M.D. or D.O. we hope to one day achieve.  During my interviews last year, I talked about how I was pursuing medicine because I wanted to use it as an agent for community development in vulnerable populations.  My involvements showed that I was indeed committed to this goal and the medical school committees had no doubt about that.  Don't get me wrong a big part of me was, yet through the circumstances of this year, I was able to clearly put my finger on one of the driving forces for my pursuit of medicine.  I've tried to deny it, but I reflect on my whole life and realize that I have major regrets of being the chubby shy kid in elementary school, not being a starter on my high school football team, and not achieving cum laude status in college.  I can clearly see now that I’ve fooled myself into thinking that by achieving a degree in medicine, these feelings of regret would be resolved.  Speaking as and to pre-medical students, whatever our reasons for choosing a career in medicine, I think the prime motivator for our pursuit of the high MCAT score or GPA is the respect we hope to one day receive as a doctor.  I've been surrounded by plenty of pre-medical, medical students and even physicians and most of the time you can tell in their eyes that they are victim of the pursuit of self-worth in their future as doctors.  Don't get me wrong, I highly respect pre-med and med students for their insane hard work ethic and I believe that physicians are pivotal health care providers in the medical arena and that many people are created for this lifestyle.  But the question I've been asking myself and I wish I could've asked it years ago is whether the pursuit of and lifestyle of this title is worth the sacrifice of a healthy physical, emotional, and spiritual life.

Back to value and self-worth, I think this pursuit of self-worth through our profession or even accomplishments applies to many people and is nothing new to our culture and generation.  Speaking as a Christian, I think many of us find our value in the effectiveness of our ministries, small groups, or even church.  I think when I'm posed with this question the “Christian” answer is for me to say that my value is found in Jesus Christ alone, but the reality is, for at least in my case that this isn't always true.  Heck, many times I find my self-worth in my talents or gifts, what I've accomplished during undergrad, the service projects I've been involved with, the color of my skin and the people I identify with, and even my "kingdom" dreams.  Some may think that this is good, bad, or neither.  However, I think that God would point us to find our worth in a different direction.  I haven’t found a solution or quick fix to change my attitude or even a way for me to fully embrace my worth in what Christ has already done for me.  I don’t know, maybe many Christians don’t struggle with this, but I tell you that it’s something that I will be struggling with for God knows how long.  But man, can you imagine the amazing things God can do through an individual if they truly live in freedom from finding their worth in other things besides God?  And I know the bible says that God will accomplish His purposes even in our weaknesses.  But I can’t help feel like this struggle is such a weight that chains me from living and experiencing the type of life that God created me for.

Well that’s just something to chew on if you decide to take a bite.  So, here’s a quick life update.  Work and school keep me busy and my small group, discipleship group and a few close friends keep me super energized!  Man, I love them all!  Until next time…maybe another 3 months…haha.

Wow, it's been so long since my last entry.  I've wanted to share what's on my heart, but have hesitated because I'm scared of the reactions I will receive from those close to me.  Because we don't see each other often and I want to be more vulnerable with you all, how else can I do that if I don’t share my thoughts here, right?  Well here it goes.  Although I haven't been productive lately, God has been stirring my heart.  One of my first prayers when I became a Christian was that God would reveal His heart to me and help me to have a heart more like His.  These past few years God has been answering this prayer, well more of the first part, especially through the things I learned through a Perspective course at my church Newsong on the world Christian movement.  Through this course, God has given me the privilege to understand His bigger plan of having His name glorified through every nation, people group, tribe, and tongue in this world.  God created all Christians to be a part of this plan by being and sharing Christ to and with people around us.  Now, many of you know that I've had dreams of being a doctor for almost 6 years and it's something that I've prioritized above even my relationships with family and friends.  However, God has gradually carved a bigger and better dream which is for His kingdom to come and for His will to be done in and through my life.  I have struggled with what this practically looks like especially in my future, but due to the new circumstances my struggling has intensified and sometimes I just feel, well lost.  I know that I need to be patient and wait on God, but it is hard to do that when you are a natural impatient, stress, and control freak.  Sometimes being a Christian can be so difficult or maybe I just make it out to be.  However, knowing Jesus makes the decision worth it.

"Look back at yesterday with gratitude BUT LET GO.  Look forward with expectation BUT LET GO.  Look at today with the sufficiency of God's grace AND HOLD ON."  I met with my single's pastor last week to discuss issues in my life and this quote is one of the things she shared with me.  God knew exactly what to say through her and I finally have some peace from things that He has been pressing on my heart these past couple of years.  I can't really share them here, but I was just hoping that this quote can encourage some of you today.